youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
