The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
