He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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