I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
