his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
