The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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