Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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