Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
