let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
