He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
