Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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