dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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