Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
