Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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