All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
