Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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