alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
