My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
