I must be too annoying 4 u.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
