i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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