well I can't set my house on fire every night
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
