just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
