There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
