somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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