Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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