Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Can i not drive my cunt home
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
