Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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