roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
