My underwear smells like fireworks.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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