How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
