Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
