Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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