Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
