Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I wear drunk well.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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