My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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