Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
