My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
