I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
this will be a night to untag.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
