sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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