I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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