I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
