just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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