I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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