it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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