4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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