Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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