Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
