I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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