U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
