alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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