He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
