Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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