At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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