Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
