so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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