The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
