Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
