I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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