Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
