Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
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