I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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